merrily merrily merrily merrily

PRAYERS

PRAYERS

i told her “im looking forward to feeling different tomorrow.”
cast iron is laying on some of my nerves.
the message this sends to my brain is:
your big ideas shrink because you wander away. 
“what are you hiding?” i yell at the fainting and stunned
part of me who finally looked at the agreement. 
what have i said ok to
before my birth? things i didn’t know.
after i heard about brain tumors giving people
spiritual experiences, i wanted a little one.
tonight i told someone i don’t know well
that i am frustrated and disappointed, 
even to the point of demoralization, 
every day by the work i do. it’s true. 
i’ve tried taking the metal off my heart
for more than a year now. i haven’t decided for sure, 
but im considering leaving the rest on. 
it’s just cut up my hands so badly, is all. 
i need surgery in my sleep. 
i’ll ask the voice in my dreams
of my first house,
the one that keeps terrorizing me
until i realize it’s just a woman. 
it probably is me.